Dear Jacqui,
My husband and I have been married for almost three years, and he is the most amazing, loving, caring guy I have ever known. Our relationship is based soundly on our very strong common interests.

We cuddle and snuggle a lot and it's wonderful, but we only make love about once every 6 months. We sleep in the same bed and often I can't fall asleep for a long time after he is already sleeping, sometimes I cry, sometimes I look at him and just pray he'd open his eyes and smile and reach out and kiss me.

However that does not change the way I feel - and I feel unsatisfied. When we do make love it's often very short and foreplay is minimal. I have tried to tell him how I feel. He listens, saying afterwards "it's just not something I'm into and I'm sorry." I'm beginning to feel real resentment, I love him so very much, and it hurts! He is 55 and I'm 30. Julie

Dear Julie
Your letter is very touching because I feel your deep conflict between the love of your husband and your quite appropriate sense of wanting to be fulfilled as a lover, a woman, a partner in a relationship that should be fulfilling to both of you, emotionally and sexually.

Snuggling is wonderful but not enough.

The issues you are dealing with are difficult because you cannot understand his withdrawn sexual behavior. Most probably he doesn't either. The catching up with work response is an excuse that doesn't hold water. People who want to be physically intimate; will always find the time for sensual closeness and activity.

Your age difference is also not the reason for his refusal to be sexually more active and more interested in making you happy. A man in his fifties can make love several times a day if he is interested in doing so unless there is a health condition preventing it. My sense is that he has a lot of basic conflicts about his own sexuality, which most probably have haunted him all his life. Are you his first wife? Was he married before?

What about other relationships and why did they end? I am sure that these patterns you describe are not new. He cannot help himself to change no matter how much he loves you unless he is given a key to understanding his problems. I strongly suggest that you see a therapist together or, if that is too frightening to him, let him see a therapist on his own for a while.

I admire you for trying to communicate openly and caringly with him. However, these kinds of sexual problems are deep rooted and require professional help if you want to get your marriage to become vital and happy in all ways.

Now that you have taken the first step and written to me, I wish you the courage to take the next step. You might also consider a marriage workshop. Usually these are given by trained therapist and can be very helpful.

Jacqui





	"Snuggling is wonderful, but not enough, we only make love twice a year." Dear Jacqui, My husband and I have been married for almost three years, and he is the most amazing, loving, caring guy I have ever known. Our relationship is based soundly on our very strong common interests. We cuddle and snuggle a lot and it's wonderful, but we only make love about once every 6 months. We sleep in the same bed and often I can't fall asleep for a long time after he is already sleeping, sometimes I cry, sometimes I look at him and just pray he'd open his eyes and smile and reach out and kiss me. However that does not change the way I feel - and I feel unsatisfied. When we do make love it's often very short and foreplay is minimal. I have tried to tell him how I feel. He listens, saying afterwards "it's just not something I'm into and I'm sorry." I'm beginning to feel real resentment, I love him so very much, and it hurts! He is 55 and I'm 30. Julie Dear Julie Your letter is very touching because I feel your deep conflict between the love of your husband and your quite appropriate sense of wanting to be fulfilled as a lover, a woman, a partner in a relationship that should be fulfilling to both of you, emotionally and sexually. Snuggling is wonderful but not enough. The issues you are dealing with are difficult because you cannot understand his withdrawn sexual behavior. Most probably he doesn't either. The catching up with work response is an excuse that doesn't hold water. People who want to be physically intimate; will always find the time for sensual closeness and activity. Your age difference is also not the reason for his refusal to be sexually more active and more interested in making you happy. A man in his fifties can make love several times a day if he is interested in doing so unless there is a health condition preventing it. My sense is that he has a lot of basic conflicts about his own sexuality, which most probably have haunted him all his life. Are you his first wife? Was he married before? What about other relationships and why did they end? I am sure that these patterns you describe are not new. He cannot help himself to change no matter how much he loves you unless he is given a key to understanding his problems. I strongly suggest that you see a therapist together or, if that is too frightening to him, let him see a therapist on his own for a while. I admire you for trying to communicate openly and caringly with him. However, these kinds of sexual problems are deep rooted and require professional help if you want to get your marriage to become vital and happy in all ways. Now that you have taken the first step and written to me, I wish you the courage to take the next step. You might also consider a marriage workshop. Usually these are given by trained therapist and can be very helpful. Jacqui Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corporation. All rights reserved. Thank you for your trust.

			Back to Love & Relationships Q & A