Dear Jacqui,
I feel like I'm sleeping with the enemy. I've known my husband for several years, before we recently married. Now that I live with him on a daily basis, I notice that he has a real scary mean streak.

Not one day passes that he isn't mean, moody, and easily agitated about anything. He gets that real sinister look in his eyes and it scares me half to death. I used to think it was just once in awhile, but it's truly a daily occurrence. He just doesn't seem to care about our relationship and this is turning me off.
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
I can feel your pain and unfortunately there are no easy answers. People who are constantly critical and moody essentially are not happy with themselves.

They then turn their discontent, which they may not wish to face, and pin them on any situation that comes along that they can criticize. The only real way to turn around this destructive pattern is for him to face up to the problem that's underlying his continuous emotional negative state.

This can be achieved by therapy but he has to have the willingness to make his life -- and yours -- better. He has to see that there is a benefit to being happier, happier with himself and happier with you. I would open the subject by talking to him in a caring but completely honest way. You need to tell him how deeply unhappy you are. Apparently he has no clue.

You need to tell him that his negativity and his constant criticism make it impossible for you to find joy in being with him, let alone having intimacy with him.

You need to tell him that you cannot possibly imagine having children with him until he has worked through his problems and is able to be more positive and loving. You should suggest that he start therapy and, if you really mean, tell him that life is unbearable with him, make it clear to him that this is the only way for you to stay in this relationship and help work it out. Give him a deadline. Give him positive encouragement. If he can accept help your marriage will be better because of it.

Jacqui





	"After we got married, my husband became mean" Dear Jacqui, I feel like I'm sleeping with the enemy. I've known my husband for several years, before we recently married. Now that I live with him on a daily basis, I notice that he has a real scary mean streak. Not one day passes that he isn't mean, moody, and easily agitated about anything. He gets that real sinister look in his eyes and it scares me half to death. I used to think it was just once in awhile, but it's truly a daily occurrence. He just doesn't seem to care about our relationship and this is turning me off. Amanda Dear Amanda, I can feel your pain and unfortunately there are no easy answers. People who are constantly critical and moody essentially are not happy with themselves. They then turn their discontent, which they may not wish to face, and pin them on any situation that comes along that they can criticize. The only real way to turn around this destructive pattern is for him to face up to the problem that's underlying his continuous emotional negative state. This can be achieved by therapy but he has to have the willingness to make his life -- and yours -- better. He has to see that there is a benefit to being happier, happier with himself and happier with you. I would open the subject by talking to him in a caring but completely honest way. You need to tell him how deeply unhappy you are. Apparently he has no clue. You need to tell him that his negativity and his constant criticism make it impossible for you to find joy in being with him, let alone having intimacy with him. You need to tell him that you cannot possibly imagine having children with him until he has worked through his problems and is able to be more positive and loving. You should suggest that he start therapy and, if you really mean, tell him that life is unbearable with him, make it clear to him that this is the only way for you to stay in this relationship and help work it out. Give him a deadline. Give him positive encouragement. If he can accept help your marriage will be better because of it. Jacqui Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corporation. All rights reserved. Thank you for your trust.
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