Dear Jacqui,
I am happily married but I'm feeling confused since I recently experienced a huge attraction for someone else. I started thinking about this person all the time and fantasizing though I never let him or anyone else know about this. However, I am wondering if I experienced this because something is missing in my marriage? I have never felt my heart beat faster when my husband is around, even when we first met, I've never felt an overwhelming need to think of him all day.

The only complaint I have is that I would prefer to have sex more often than my husband does. Though I know he enjoys it, his sex drive it is not as strong as mine. He also never wants to talk seriously about sex, always making jokes and preferring not to discuss it too much. I sometimes force a discussion and I know he tries his best.

If my husband is not going to change what can I do? I find that his only wanting to make love every ten days or so is very strange. When we first met sex 10 times a day wouldn't have been enough for him. I feel that though he loves intimacy (we cuddle and snuggle all the time) he subconsciously thinks that sex is a more taboo activity. Also, I wonder if I am too sexually aggressive for him? Any advice will be appreciated. Cindy

Dear Cindy,
Love comes in many shades and it changes all the time as it did in your marriage with your husband. Clearly there was a strong sexual passion in the beginning which both of you adored. This love deepened and changed into something truly wonderful and worthy to be cherished and protected.

You have a very rare thing and I believe that you understand how special your relationship is. It is quite natural that being a very sexual woman you would like a more gratifying sexual life. Because you are not fulfilled in this area of your relationship and have not found a way to resolve this dilemma, you resort to fantasies.

That is why you have feelings of passion for this unknown stranger. That is not harmful. We all fantasize at times. That's why we like certain movies featuring our favorite male stars and not others. I believe, however, that the two of you can have a far more intimate, exciting and more fulfilling sensual life if you are both willing to create it together.

For starters, imagine what would make your husband the exciting lover he was to you in the beginning of your relationship and how exactly what kinds of things he would do and say for you to be enticed. Be creative, be daring and then choose a good time to talk to him. He probably has no idea that you're not happy in the "intimacy" department.

You have to be very clear about what you want, how you want to be touched, kissed, fondled. Speak openly and lovingly, show him; guide him, find ways together to make your sexual life fun, exciting and part of the core of the relationship rather than a side issue.

Don't have this discussion in the bedroom. Go for a picnic, have a stroll at night, but be sure that he understands that you expect him to be a real partner in this new love adventure you're starting, not just a casual nodder. You both have to buy into the program.

If the hurdles are too difficult and the patterns too ingrained, please consider the help of a therapist for a few sessions. I believe strongly if you both examine your feelings and can learn to see yourselves and each other differently, your love can be ever so much more fulfilling in every way, including in the realm of sexuality.

Jacqui

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