Dear Jacqui,
My husband and I were recently married. We're new at sex, and at first intercourse was very painful for me which seriously decreased my sexual desire. Now the pain has virtually disappeared.

Still, I find that sex is not as satisfying for me as I had hoped, nor is it as satisfying for me as it is for my husband. My husband is very easily aroused and does not require the kind of mood setting and foreplay that I do. When I try to tell him that I need more in this area, he feels hurt because he thinks that I'm saying that he's not romantic enough or kind enough or loving enough.

This is not the case at all. I love my husband. He's very romantic and attentive in all other areas of our relationship. He, however, doesn't seem to understand why the ways in which he shows me he cares does not immediately prepare me for sex.

Foreplay in general doesn't come naturally to him. Fulfilling specific request makes him feel forced and awkward. I simply need more intimacy before the intimacy. I have tried to overcome the problem by psyching myself up for sex as much as possible -- setting the mood by myself, becoming exited about the thought of sex by myself before we begin-- but I don't want to do this on my own forever. I want him to be a part of it.

He never indulges me in leisurely foreplay. I need foreplay to be really ready to enjoy intercourse. If it's up to him, he would be just as happy to skip over it altogether. And if I have to ask him to do this or that, it interrupts the mood for me. I wish I could let him know what I need.
Carrie

Dear Carrie:
You can, you should, tell him how you feel. Good communication is the very basis for a good relationship, including a happy sexual life. It is quite clear that this is the first problem you need to address. Since you have tied the knot just recently, it is all the more important that you learn to be open with each other and hearing each other well.

That means that you both must make an effort to actively listen to what your partner has to say and try to accept his or her feelings on faith value -- including frank expressions about matters of sexual intimacy.

The next step is to try understanding each other's point of view. Clearly, this is not happening in your marriage. I suggest strongly that you don't let this lack of communication issue derail your marriage from the very beginning. It may otherwise become a wall between you which gets harder to break down as time goes by. Start talking now, do it with warmth and genuine interest. Build on your love rather than finding fault with each other.

If both of you are willing to talk constructively, then your husband will hear your concerns with eagerness rather than being hurt by your requests. There is a wonderful feeling each of you can experience in contributing to the happiness of the other partner, and that includes sexual happiness.

Secondly, sexuality doesn't go by rules. To enjoy a good sexual life together, it is of the greatest importance to know and share what makes each of you happy. Learn what your sexual needs are. And, yes, be precise, be graphic and talk about details such as what exactly makes you respond sexually. What kind of foreplay you desire and need to reach sexual satisfaction. For partners who love each other it is wonderful to know what exactly the magic tricks are that makes the other happy.

Your husband, who's clearly new at love and intimacy, should know that most women adore long and leisurely foreplay and most men feel absolutely wonderful when they can make a woman so excited that she absolutely cannot wait any longer to have intercourse.Many prominent sexologist actually advocate that a woman should have an orgasm first before the man enters her.

Maybe you wish to show your husband this letter to get the two of you talking. Tell him of your concerns which prompted you to be thoughtful and seek help. Maybe it might be easier by involving a marriage counselor or, possibly attend a seminar on sexuality together.

But don't let more time go by before, your love for each other should give you the incentive to make your marriage magical in all ways.

Jacqui




	If it were up to him, he would skip foreplay altogether. Dear Jacqui, My husband and I were recently married. We're new at sex, and at first intercourse was very painful for me which seriously decreased my sexual desire. Now the pain has virtually disappeared. Still, I find that sex is not as satisfying for me as I had hoped, nor is it as satisfying for me as it is for my husband. My husband is very easily aroused and does not require the kind of mood setting and foreplay that I do. When I try to tell him that I need more in this area, he feels hurt because he thinks that I'm saying that he's not romantic enough or kind enough or loving enough. This is not the case at all. I love my husband. He's very romantic and attentive in all other areas of our relationship. He, however, doesn't seem to understand why the ways in which he shows me he cares does not immediately prepare me for sex. Foreplay in general doesn't come naturally to him. Fulfilling specific request makes him feel forced and awkward. I simply need more intimacy before the intimacy. I have tried to overcome the problem by psyching myself up for sex as much as possible -- setting the mood by myself, becoming exited about the thought of sex by myself before we begin-- but I don't want to do this on my own forever. I want him to be a part of it. He never indulges me in leisurely foreplay. I need foreplay to be really ready to enjoy intercourse. If it's up to him, he would be just as happy to skip over it altogether. And if I have to ask him to do this or that, it interrupts the mood for me. I wish I could let him know what I need. Carrie Dear Carrie: You can, you should, tell him how you feel. Good communication is the very basis for a good relationship, including a happy sexual life. It is quite clear that this is the first problem you need to address. Since you have tied the knot just recently, it is all the more important that you learn to be open with each other and hearing each other well. That means that you both must make an effort to actively listen to what your partner has to say and try to accept his or her feelings on faith value -- including frank expressions about matters of sexual intimacy. The next step is to try understanding each other's point of view. Clearly, this is not happening in your marriage. I suggest strongly that you don't let this lack of communication issue derail your marriage from the very beginning. It may otherwise become a wall between you which gets harder to break down as time goes by. Start talking now, do it with warmth and genuine interest. Build on your love rather than finding fault with each other. If both of you are willing to talk constructively, then your husband will hear your concerns with eagerness rather than being hurt by your requests. There is a wonderful feeling each of you can experience in contributing to the happiness of the other partner, and that includes sexual happiness. Secondly, sexuality doesn't go by rules. To enjoy a good sexual life together, it is of the greatest importance to know and share what makes each of you happy. Learn what your sexual needs are. And, yes, be precise, be graphic and talk about details such as what exactly makes you respond sexually. What kind of foreplay you desire and need to reach sexual satisfaction. For partners who love each other it is wonderful to know what exactly the magic tricks are that makes the other happy. Your husband, who's clearly new at love and intimacy, should know that most women adore long and leisurely foreplay and most men feel absolutely wonderful when they can make a woman so excited that she absolutely cannot wait any longer to have intercourse.Many prominent sexologist actually advocate that a woman should have an orgasm first before the man enters her. Maybe you wish to show your husband this letter to get the two of you talking. Tell him of your concerns which prompted you to be thoughtful and seek help. Maybe it might be easier by involving a marriage counselor or, possibly attend a seminar on sexuality together. But don't let more time go by before, your love for each other should give you the incentive to make your marriage magical in all ways. Jacqui Copyright Brandwynne Corporation 2000, All Rights Reserved

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