Dear Jacqui:
I have not had a guy in my life for about 5 years. This spring I met this wonderful guy. He is 38 with one kid. We match perfectly. However, he said his daughter was getting too attached to me and he did not want this to happen in case things will not work out. However, we seem to be convincing each other that we are just friends that have a sexual relationship. For now that is good with me but I think I want more later.

I don't want to lose him. I have hung on to a lot of problems from the past that pretty much made me depressed and self critical. You wouldn't even believe the change in my life. I am happy and self confident and courageous but now I am confused and afraid of losing him. What do I do?
Polly

Dear Polly,
It is clear that you have gone a long way to deal with your own problems but your new boyfriend obviously has some psychological hurdles to overcome. His fear of intimacy may be too complex an issue that you can resolve without professional help.

I suggest you have a loving discussion about it and tell him that for your relationship to grow it is important that both of you invest time, effort and good faith to resolving existing anxieties and hurtful patterns. Maybe you should see a counselor together. Neither of you have anything to loose. If he does not agree to get some help, it is doubtful that you can change his behavior.

There is just a tiny chance that, over time as he gets to trust you and might loose some of his fears. But I have a feeling that his psychological make-up may have played part in his previous unhappy marriages and will finally undermine your relationship until it is no longer tolerable.

Some people are so afraid of failure that they bring it about because it is easier to live with a negative outcome, with certainty than with the continuing fear of what might happen. If he won't get help and won't change, you will have to decide if this relationship offers you enough benefits to stay in it. And, maybe, you too should explore the reasons why you find people that are difficult to love. I wish you courage.
Jacqui




	"He's afraid his daughter is getting too attached to me and he doesn't want this to happen in case things don't work out." Dear Jacqui: I have not had a guy in my life for about 5 years. This spring I met this wonderful guy. He is 38 with one kid. We match perfectly. However, he said his daughter was getting too attached to me and he did not want this to happen in case things will not work out. However, we seem to be convincing each other that we are just friends that have a sexual relationship. For now that is good with me but I think I want more later. I don't want to lose him. I have hung on to a lot of problems from the past that pretty much made me depressed and self critical. You wouldn't even believe the change in my life. I am happy and self confident and courageous but now I am confused and afraid of losing him. What do I do? Polly Dear Polly, It is clear that you have gone a long way to deal with your own problems but your new boyfriend obviously has some psychological hurdles to overcome. His fear of intimacy may be too complex an issue that you can resolve without professional help. I suggest you have a loving discussion about it and tell him that for your relationship to grow it is important that both of you invest time, effort and good faith to resolving existing anxieties and hurtful patterns. Maybe you should see a counselor together. Neither of you have anything to loose. If he does not agree to get some help, it is doubtful that you can change his behavior. There is just a tiny chance that, over time as he gets to trust you and might loose some of his fears. But I have a feeling that his psychological make-up may have played part in his previous unhappy marriages and will finally undermine your relationship until it is no longer tolerable. Some people are so afraid of failure that they bring it about because it is easier to live with a negative outcome, with certainty than with the continuing fear of what might happen. If he won't get help and won't change, you will have to decide if this relationship offers you enough benefits to stay in it. And, maybe, you too should explore the reasons why you find people that are difficult to love. I wish you courage. Jacqui Copyright 2000 Brandwynne Corporation. All rights reserved.

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