Dear Jacqui,
I am 60 years old. One year ago I had my vaginal hysterectomy, surgery. I still have my ovaries. I take a small amount of estrogens every day. My sex drive is fine, I can have clitoral or vaginal orgasms. However, my husband rejects me. He says that I am empty inside and I am no longer desirable.

Our marriage has been extremely strained for quite some time. A few months ago I met a man. We became great friends and eventually also I realized that we both were attracted romantically. However, I am afraid of getting too close to him, because I'm afraid of rejection. Should I tell him before getting further involved about my surgery or keep it secret? Does it matter or does it make a difference in lovemaking if a woman has had a hysterectomy? Barbara

Dear Barbara,
It seems to me that your husband has found a convenient excuse by using your medical condition as a reason to reject you. Love and commitment, or sexual desire, simply have nothing to do with his ludicrous statement. Millions of women have had hysterectomies or far more invasive operations.

Many women have lost their breasts -- yet the men in their lives who are committed to these women still love and desire them. His statement that you are "empty inside" is hurtful and abusive and has no foundation in reality. He obviously has his own reasons why he has a need to hurt you? It is also not the cause for the collapse of your marriage.

Your husband seems to want to end his commitment to you. He clearly doesn't have the courage to admit his true feelings and he might never do so. The important question is, do you want to end the marriage? Would you end it if there were no other person around that you find romantically attractive? I think it is important to sort out your feelings carefully before entering into a new relationship and new life situation. Rejection by one person is not a good reason to rush into a new relationship. Give yourself time and learn what you really feel before acting.

Finally, I want to assure you that the fact you had a hysterectomy has not robbed you of anything. Not of your femininity, nor or your desirability, not of the person you are. It is your persona, the total you that men and women find attractive. People of character don't fall in love with body parts. They are attracted and love the whole person, the spirit, the soul, the appearance, the voice and the ways of a person. No surgeon can take that away. My friend who is 58 has a health condition which she needs to manage daily and which limits her in certain activities.

She recently got married after a two-year courtship because the love that both partners felt for each other was real and the basis for a happy future together. Her health condition never even entered into this equation. I suggest you do a bit of soul searching and, possibly, have a session or two with a counselor so you get clarity. Think about who you are, Barbara and what life you envision. Embrace the wonderful things you are and it will be clear why you are desirable.

Jacqui

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